Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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