Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
