Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
