If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
