Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize