Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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