Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
