I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
