We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
