I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
