Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize