Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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