Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
