weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
