Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
