We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
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