On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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