so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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