It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
