I'm going to jail i love you
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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