I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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