his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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