I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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