i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I just forgot I was standing up.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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