I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
