Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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