I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
