Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
How does it feel to date your dad?
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
