Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
