The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
You brought string cheese to the strip club
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Holy shit dude........stairs
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
