just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
