i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
