you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
