I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Randomize