Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
