he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
