dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
