guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
