i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
