and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
