Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
