Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
