My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
