my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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