see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Randomize
