do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
