she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize
