I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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