I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Randomize
