you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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