i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize