When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize