I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
