It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
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