The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
