I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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