He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
