Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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