haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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