i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
