I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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