I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
