remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
He better not be in your backpack
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
