im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
someone get that fucking seahorse.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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