The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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