My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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